i had a dream. . .

no really, i just woke up! i was having this dream that really made an impression on me. . . it's something i'd actually been thinking about for a while now, but the dream really made it hit home for me. the concept is really quite simple, but i'll tell what i remember of the whole dream before actually making my point. . . have fun wading through the randomness of my dream, but first a little background--

so there was this guy i dated in college, named dan (here we are at a dance when we first started dating back in october 2003)--

it was kinda serious for a while, but he left to go on his mission and i got married while he was out. he's since gotten married as well. i've wanted to stay friends, but for whatever reason, he's been really weird about it. it makes me sad b/c he really was an awesome guy. i dunno if it's a decision he and his wife made together or one that he made on his own, but either way, he's basically chosen to completely cut me out of his life. at one point he told me that whenever i made the trip to utah, they'd like to get to together w/ me; i wrote him an email saying i was coming in april, and it's been a few weeks. i haven't heard anything from him yet. i assume that means they're no longer interested, which is fine, their decision, you know? anyways, the 2 of them are the other people in my dream. . .

so i was talking to dan about being a mom and bragging on trevor and how great he is. i talked about my decision to ep and the unexpected blessings that have come from that choice. . . we talked about school and just regular stuff you talk about w/ someone you're catching up w/, you know? we were at his house (which, by the way, i've never been to or seen, so it was just some fabrication of my subconscious), and he walked into another room that i could only guess was some kind of office or study - big desk, lots of books, and a big, cushy recliner. he sat on the desk while i stood leaning against the doorway, talking. i started talking about the way i'd pictured my life as a kid and the things i saw myself doing, how i hadn't expected many of the things that have happened, but i wouldn't change it for the world. then i started talking about the biggest point i wanted to make to him, something i wanted him and his wife to talk about and really understand for when they have kids. i said something to the effect of, "i really think that one of the biggest challenges women face in this life is staying home w/ their kids. don't get me wrong, i LOVE that i'm able to be at home w/ trevor, but there are days where i wish i worked outside the home. everyone has challenges that are meant to make them stronger, better people; i truly believe that for women, one of the biggest, most trying challenges is wanting the validation of working outside the home while still understanding the importance of being home w/ the kids. i feel so torn between the 2, and i feel guilty for it. when jon and i made the decision to have a baby, i could think of nothing that would bring me more joy than being able to watch my child grow every day. i thought, who would want to work when they could stay home and watch this amazing process? but the rose-colored glasses come off at some point, and i've found myself looking around, feeling like this is NOT the higher purpose i imagined."

the dream ended there b/c i woke up, but i have all these huge feelings i can't seem to figure out. it is SO important to me that i stay home w/ my kids, and i love that i'm able to, but at the same time, i often feel like i could do so much more. . . that conflicts w/ the belief i have that this is the MOST important thing i can do for the world - raise honest, respectful, confident, happy, productive children who want to be good people and serve their designed function in society. still though, it's hard at times, so i guess i'm posting this for all the other moms out there who feel the way i do. . .

i know that eventually i'll fulfill my goals and dream, but it's so hard to wait. it's difficult to watch jon reaching for his goals and achieving them and i have to sit back and watch. i feel like i have to put my dreams on hold for my kids, but at the same time, having kids and being a stay at home mom IS one of my dreams. . . so you can see where my dilemma lies. . . it's like i'm having to trade one dream for another while jon gets to have all of his at once. i know he doesn't take it for granted, which i appreciate so much, but it's still so hard for me. . . i just wish that i could do both - be a sahm AND go back to school, work, etc. . .